There is a kind of sadness that comes from knowing too much, from seeing the world as it truly is. It is the sadness of understanding that life is not a grand adventure, but a series of small, insignificant moments, that love is not a fairy tale, but a fragile, fleeting emotion, that happiness is not a permanent state, but a rare, fleeting glimpse of something we can never hold onto. And in that understanding, there is a profound loneliness, a sense of being cut off from the world, from other people, from oneself.
— Virginia Woolf, To the Lighthouse
I wake this morning pensive. Not an unknown state for me. I have not written here since January and so much has happened as I have travelled thousands of miles. I have spent time with my precious daughter and her family. A hundred glimpses of beauty. I have been to Paris working and have at least gleaned a dozen. I am home dealing with house issues in a language that slows me down and has me crying for help. Happiness descends when I accomplish some mundane task - of course, it is fleeting - but I feel proud of myself. And I continue to write with wild woman who remind me that I love to write and seldom allow myself the time." I need to work on this.
I do allow myself time to wine and dine and also zoom with friends and family. And I love these times and know that they are important for my well-being. I think of Stella Brown, a fine artist - I pause here to pull "Stravinsky's Lunch" from my bookshelf - and her biographer Drusilla Modjeska writes "If her life teaches us anything, it is that more than one thing matters, and maybe in the end it is the conversations we have - both in love and in art - that will come trailing behind us through those pearly gates."
I read the quote from Woolf again and wonder if she is right. Is life just "a series of insignificant moments"? Is happiness "a rare, fleeting glimpse of something we can never hold onto"? Do I feel "a profound loneliness"? At times, yes. I pause and think. But no, I do not feel a profound loneliness often. I feel lucky to have what I have. Below, a few glimpses of beauty.
