Experience the Impossible

I must look old as strangers offer to help me with my suitcase and rise to give me their seat on public transportation, but in my mind, I am young. Yes, I tire more easily and don't climb ladders. I cannot lift heavy objects and my fingers, affected slightly by arthritis, cannot open tightly sealed jars. Still, I do not feel decrepit.  

A quote by Albert Camus that I like:

The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young. Inside this aging body is a heart still as curious, still as hungry, still as full of longing as it was in youth.... Never stop your goals and dreams. Travel to the places you dreamed of. Experience the impossible.

Rob's tragic fall taught me that time should not be taken for granted. It's precious. So precious. 

I watched two TED talks recently that are significant to me - more on this shortly.

https://www.ted.com/talks/alua_arthur_why_thinking_about_death_helps_you_live_a_better_life

https://www.ted.com/talks/katrina_spade_when_i_die_recompose_me

I am scattered, trying to find my way. 

"You must go in quest of yourself, and you will find yourself again only in the simple and forgotten things. Why not go into the forest for a time, literally? Sometimes a tree tells you more than can be read in books… "    —Carl Jung

Yesterday, I took Sebastian to Tower Hamlets Cemetery Park (London) for a forest camp. The park is wild and beautiful albeit eerie - like a scary setting in a Halloween movie - and reminds me once again of my mortality. 

And yet I feel content and so lucky to lead the life I'm leading. I flew from San Francisco to London a few days ago after spending time with my daughter and getting to know my youngest grandson. Six months after my last visit, he talks in complete sentences and we can communicate. He is one smart cookie with a mind of his own, and being two issues an emphatic "no" often. Gill is a gentle mother and only stern with Wilder when it is absolutely necessary. 

I love my daughter and she loves me and cannot imagine the world without me. 

 

I apologize. This once again is a simple blog. I spent a few days with Seb, my middle grandson - another charmer with a mind of his own - and Brendan and Jane who are dear to my heart too, and I have just repacked my suitcase to begin the trek back to France. This time, I am hitching a ride with a friend. We will take an overnight ferry and then drive for hours. 

Seaside, California

 

                                                                                             
 

I am slowly finding the rhythm of Gill's family - at times frantic and how can it not be with a curious two+ year old here, there, and everywhere? He is the apple of his parents' eyes, and is so damn cute that the world is his oyster, gaining smiles wherever he goes. He is also a handful with a mind of his own and when I'm in charge, he needs my full attention to keep him safe.

I observe my daughter. She is a good mother, wife, daughter, wellness coach and business owner. A whirlwind. I would like her to slow down but she cannot so I've been doing what I can to help but it seems like too little and it's making me anxious.

This week Wilder's schedule changes. He is in daycare four days a week so I should have time to complete what I need to do in regards to my own life and finances. I need help but I think I need to wait until I am in Vancouver and can talk to my accountant and bank people. 

I am weary of travel and yet I catch so many glimpses of beauty that I don't want to stop. I have to glue myself to a chair wherever I am and plan so I am not so scattered and have more interesting thoughts.