Freedom and Loneliness

When nobody wakes you up in the morning, and when nobody waits for you at night, and when you can do whatever you want. what do you call it, freedom or loneliness? ~ Milan Kundera

The Passing of Time

Growing, ripening, aging, dying — the passing of time is predestined, inevitable. There is only one solution if old age is not to be an absurd parody of our former life, and that is to go on pursuing ends that give our existence a meaning — devotion to individuals, to groups or to causes, social, political, intellectual or creative work. In old age we should wish still to have passions strong enough to prevent us turning in on ourselves. One’s life has value so long as one attributes value to the life of others, by means of love, friendship, indignation, compassion. ~Simone de Beauvoir (Book: The Coming of Age.)

I no longer know what I was doing before Rob died. Since his death - 1 year, 3 months, 15 days - I walk around in a daze, lightly drugged with nerve medicine to still the shingles that refuse to leave me in peace. I am trying to find value in my life and like a woman in her forties who hears her biological clock ticking, I hear mine. I figure that I have five to eight good years left and I don't want to waste them. And yet what to do? I have always found solutions about where to take my life in books but one hasn't fallen into my lap lately. I don't know if I'm still grieving or if I'm becoming senile. I am scared. I have always been prone to melodrama so I hope that's what I am doing now.