I know that this isn't the most beautiful picture of Isaac with his raven hair and dark flashing eyes but it shows his aloof attitude towards his two younger cousins. These boys are around four years apart in age as were my three children. I remember Brendan saying, when we were visiting France's western coast and trying to entertain them all - a practically impossible task given their age differences - "I don't appreciate your feeble attempt to make me happy."
Thursday, November 14, 2024
To die, to sleep --
Last year two of the closest people to my heart died ~ Rob and Susan.
I will never be the same. I feel as if I have lost my talent to alight and write. I've decided - when I remember - to write poems and such in my blog to let my friends know that I am still thinking.
I am reading "A Single Rose" by French author Muriel Barbery. In it I found this:
"The hardest thing, it turns out, is not trying to be happy without the person you loved... It's changing, no longer being who you were with that person... I feel as if I'm betraying myself"
I feel as if I am treading water or perhaps my head is above ground, flitting around like a butterfly. Recently, Marlene sent me the poem "Summons" that reminds me of Machado's "Last Night as I Was Dreaming" and lastly "To sleep - perchance to dream" springs to mind.
Hamlet by Shakespeare
To die, to sleep—
No more—and by a sleep to say we end
The heartache, and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to. ’tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish’d. To die, to sleep—
To sleep—perchance to dream. Ay, there’s the rub!
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come,
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause—there’s the respect
That makes calamity of so long life.
Summons by Aurora Levins Morales
Last night I dreamed
ten thousand grandmothers
from the twelve hundred corners of the earth
walked out into the gap
one breath deep
between the bullet and the flesh
between the bomb and the family.
They told me we cannot wait for governments.
There are no peacekeepers boarding planes.
There are no leaders who dare to say
every life is precious, so it will have to be us.
They said we will cup our hands around each heart.
We will sing the earth’s song, the song of water,
a song so beautiful that vengeance will turn to weeping,
the mourners will embrace, and grief replace
every impulse toward harm.
Ten thousand is not enough, they said,
so, we have sent this dream, like a flock of doves
into the sleep of the world. Wake up. Put on your shoes.
You who are reading this, I am bringing bandages
and a bag of scented guavas from my trees. I think
I remember the tune. Meet me at the corner.
Let’s go.
Last Night As I Was Sleeping by Antonio Machado
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a spring was breaking
out in my heart.
I said: Along which secret aqueduct,
Oh water, are you coming to me,
water of a new life
that I have never drunk?
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that I had a beehive
here inside my heart.
And the golden bees
were making white combs
and sweet honey
from my old failures.
Last night as I was sleeping,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that a fiery sun was giving
light inside my heart.
It was fiery because I felt
warmth as from a hearth,
and sun because it gave light
and brought tears to my eyes.
Last night as I slept,
I dreamt—marvelous error!—
that it was God I had
here inside my heart.
Monday, November 11, 2024
Worrywart
I worried a lot. Will the garden grow, will the rivers
flow in the right direction, will the earth turn
as it was taught, and if not how shall
I correct it?
Was I right, was I wrong, will I be forgiven,
can I do better?
Will I ever be able to sing, even the sparrows
can do it and I am, well,
hopeless.
Is my eyesight fading or am I just imagining it,
am I going to get rheumatism,
lockjaw, dementia?
Finally I saw that worrying had come to nothing.
And I gave it up. And took my old body
and went out into the morning,
and sang.
~ Mary Oliver
Scattering Rob's Ashes
Wednesday, October 23, 2024
Weary
[D]o not be afraid to love, to open your heart to the world, even if it means risking heartbreak. For the sweetness of love far outweighs the bitterness of loss. And when the inevitable pain comes, find solace in the beauty of the world around you, in the simple pleasures of life, in the memories of love and laughter. For even in the midst of sorrow, there is still beauty to be found. ~ Louise Erdrich
I am preparing for Rob's scattering on October 28th. He requested a particular forest near our French house. Michael and Isaac have arrived. Brendan, Jane, and Seb arrive late Friday night, and Gill, Derek, and Wilder arrive late Saturday. My quiet house will become a madhouse with toys scattered everywhere. I don't care.
As there are not enough beds, I'll slip over to Mary's.
I am still astonished that I am 75. How did I become so old? I grow more and more dependent on others' words as I cannot find my own. I'm a big fat mess inside and I tell myself to move slowly one step at a time. I flit from one activity to another. Some form of expression is vital... Helen Luke writes.
I will try to pick up my writing again but I resist.
The tragedy of old age is not old but young. Inside this aging body lies a heart still as curious, still as hungry, still as full of desire as it was in its youth. I sit by the window watching the world go by, feeling like a stranger in a foreign country, unable to connect with the outside world, and yet, within me the same fire burns that once thought it could conquer the world. And the real tragedy is that the world remains so far and so elusive, a place I have never been able to fully grasp. ~ Albert Camus
Friday, October 18, 2024
Birthdays
October 3rd
October 14th... I posted the top picture on FaceBook for Rob's birthday and a film friend wrote "Rob should have been wearing a white cowboy hat in the photo above because that was the way you could tell one of the true good guys in a classic western. And Rob was one of the goodest guys it has ever been my privilege to know." Brendan photoshopped it.
Anything I write and post on FB with Rob's name included is seen by all his film industry colleagues and so, for some reason, I tend to be reticent about expressing my feelings. They are still too tender.
I posted: Happy Birthday to Rob Young - my fun-loving, gun-slinging man who was my solid ground. If you can, have a margarita in his honour.
(N.B. the guns in-hand are toys. My guys and gal are pretending they are tough. In fact, all four of them are gentle, kind folk.) This photograph was taken on Rob's 70th birthday.)
I wrote the N.B. as I have a gun-loving cousin and I did not want him to think that anyone in my family have a similar love for weapons.
October 17th
For Gill on FB, I was reticent but a little less than on Rob's:
Happy Birthday to our daughter Gillian Young, born three days after Rob's 40th birthday. She is bright, kind, generous, effervescent, courageous, and the best daughter in the universe.
You are lovely, my darling Gill."... sometimes it is necessary
to reteach a thing its loveliness,
to put a hand on the brow
of the flower
and retell it in words and in touch
it is lovely
until it flowers again from within, of self-blessing"
I don't know why I thought of this poem by Galway Kinnell for your birthday. Perhaps, it is simply that everyone needs to be reminded of their loveliness and what better day than on one's birthday.
And then I sent Gill a private card ~ not too private that I cannot show part of it here: